Marriage Advice to a New Bride

Marriage Advice

This weekend I went to a girlfriend's bridal shower. Her mother was asking around the room for advice to give to her for her marriage. Some of the advice the women said were, “Do what makes you happy” and “Do what feels right”. All the women nodded except me. I didn’t agree. So I told the bride I would e-mail her my “advice” since what I wanted to say didn’t seem like it would be very popular.

To preface, I have only been married for 10 years this year. But my husband and I are more in love and feel so much closer each year. So here is the letter I sent to her:

HI K,

This is for both you and R, so feel free to share with him. My advice is actually the opposite of what 2 of the people at your shower said (doing what makes you happy). I also want you to know that Ugur and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage this year and we are more in love and closer than we can imagine plus a 5th baby on the way. Our marriage also centers around our faith. I can't see how marriage can be fulfilling and successful without Christ at the center.

Marriage is NOT about doing what "feels" right or what makes you happy. No where does life promise you that. Marriage is about being un-selfish! Serving each other expecting nothing in return. There will be times, seasons or even years where one of you might be pulling more weight, doing more, feeling run down. You cannot be thinking about "what makes YOU happy" in times like this. You must serve out of love.

Find your husband's "love language", read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This can help A LOT in what makes your spouse feel loved. For example, my top 2 love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. Ugur's are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Highly recommend the book!

Most men need more sex than women:) Sometimes it's an act of service to "just do it" when you are tired, etc. This might apply more as you guys get older and have kids, etc. But sometimes it's like going to the gym, you don't feel like going, you know it's good for you and you always feel better afterwards:) I know this might not make sense in your 20's and as a newlywed. Sex is important for men, I try to be "available" when I know he's been making little lovemaking comments to me or noticing my body. I think to myself, " I need to make sure I am rested and make a time to have a make out session in the next 24 hours". So yes, scheduling it in works too.

Marriage is growing, changing and learning about each other. How you communicate is very important and it might change through the years. Try not to bring up the past, families of origin (although they affect our communication style) when arguing.

Be humble and make positive assumptions.

Phew, that's all for now. You 2 should read this together and digest it:) Enjoy that Atlas. i got one for my wedding and it was one of my favorite gifts.

Love

Liesl

I was first going to blog about the book The 5 Love Languages but then decided to also share this letter too. I also want women reading this to know my advice is simply mine and comes from a loving marriage. My advice does not apply in unhealthy or abusive relationships. The bride is also someone I am very close with and can share intimate details and advice. Of course now I’m sharing it all with you!

Remember, your marriage is the BEST gift you can give your children.

Summer Fun and Field trips

Last Friday my family went on a fun field trip to Roaring Camp Railroad in Fenton, up in the hills of Santa Cruz. We go at least once a year and take the steam train up one of the steepest grades a train can go up.

The steam train, named Dixiana, was built the same year as the Titanic. I love hearing the history of the forest and how it became protected, the logging industry, train trivia, and about different adventures back in the "olden days". My kids however are just in awe of the LOUD whistle. While we go up into the redwood trees, the air cools off, the fresh smell of mountain air wafts through your nose. It is so lovely.

As summer is getting closer, my family and I plan lots of outings and field trips to keep us busy and tire out the kids. Here's a list and short re-cap of some of the summer things we like to do:

Gilroy Gardens (formerly Bonfante Gardens) is like a mini Disneyland. Rides for small children, ride on cars that are amazing, California produce themed rides. This park is very clean, nice bathrooms. There is a water play area for kids to run around but remember water shoes, they are required.

Happy Hollow in San Jose. Recently updated, this park is designed for kids under age 8. The rides are for smaller kids. There is also a nice little zoo. This is a fun favorite.

Fairyland in Oakland For you East Bay parents, you might have pictures of your own parents here. My mom went here when she was little. A little Old School but fun non the less.

Phipps Ranch in Pescadero for Berry picking. 30 minutes south of Half moon Bay, pick your own ollaliberries, strawberries, raspberries. They have a small farm with animals and flowers. Picnic table to eat lunch.

Rin Canada Pool in Palo Alto. City run, cheap to get in. Warm, bring your own food, large flower shaped kiddie pool. A favorite of Coastside moms who want to get in the sun during the summer.

Beach. We prefer Roosevelt beach here in HMB. It's safer for the kids. Neighborhood parking. Must be warm out though and bring baby powder to apply on the kids so the sand runs off before getting back into your car. Chrissy Field beach in SF is also a great kid appropriate beach.

Golden Gate Park, Japanese Tea Garden. More outside fun plus add in history!

Of course these are only a few of the outings we go on during the summer. There are lots more. All you blog readers out there, please share some of your favorite summer outings!

This weeks book review is so powerful and informative! Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D. was such an eye opening book. It felt like I was waking up in the morning with a fresh bucket of water thrown in my face. The information that is given to us is so important. I feel like handing this book out to all parents of boys and telling them it’s required reading.

Dr Sax, himself a father of 1 girl, has devoted his life to helping boys beat the ADHD stigma and growth and maturation difficulties that face our sons today. He touches in his book, in deep detail, his clinical experience with how culture, society, parenting, schooling and even environmental factors are weighing heavily and affecting our boys.

He discusses:

Teaching methods and how our schools today are geared towards girls who can sit and do workbooks. Our schools fail so many boys with the emphasis on testing and grades. He finds boys often need camaraderie and competition. Completely taken out of schools today, games where there is a loser or which honors the physically strong. But also even in the classroom, making scholarly competition healthy. He says some boys, who otherwise would be labelled and diagnosed ADHD and medicated, simply can thrive by being put in an all boys Elementary School. These schools can focus on boys needs and learning curves better than co-ed. He goes on to touch on the detrimental affects of prescription drugs that are often diagnosed to boys who are simply being boys.

The detriment video games and chronicles how they really do fry your brain. But more importantly they are affecting a boy or a young man’s connection to reality. The reality of working, supporting a family, what really is success, etc. This break with reality is rolling over in to generation Y. A whole chapter is devoted to talking about young men who still live at home and don’t work, living off their parents. The typical “failure to launch” story. That chapter really made me sick because I see it so much today.

Environmental toxins are discussed as a possibility to why men today are being feminized physically. While not the only factor, he points out and makes some connections to how a males genes are easier to mutate. He makes a good case for keeping plastics with bisphenol A and phthalates out of your family’s diet. Although mainstream stores now carry most bottles, pacifiers, water bottles without BHA now, it’s still important to see the reasoning behind this shift. He talks about changes in puberty levels, boys fragility, obesity, birth defects and sexual androgyny.

Although I am consolidating the information here, I say this book is required reading for all parents of boys. I think dads especially can benefit from reading this book. It teaches you to take a step back and look at how your life, society and culture are affecting your son. But it also lets you know you can do something about it. For example your schooling options or video game decisions. I only wish society would value and support masculinity in it’s traditional sense. This books makes a good case to why we need to get that back for our boys!

Guest writer, Karen O'Connor

Today's entry is from guest writer Karen O'Connor, LPB Site Director in Half Moon Bay. Enjoy!

My name is Karen O’Connor and I want to share my La Petite Baleen story with you. I am the mother of four children, ages 14, 16, 18 and 20. I have a degree in elementary education, with a minor in early childhood education. Before I had children, I taught pre-school, first grade, ran children’s programs at a country club and ran children’s programs with the city of San Mateo.

When my first child was born, I decided to stay at home. By the time, my fourth child was born; I knew I needed to work. I brought my children to swim lessons at the Half Moon Bay La Petite Baleen and loved the toddler classes. Once I “graduated” from the pool, I would sit by the pool for many hours watching!

A certain staff member approached me every week about becoming a swim teacher. I insisted I could not do it and thanked her every week for thinking of me! This went on for months until I caved. I did want to start working and I do love children and I do love the water. Why not?

I was quickly put “into training” and found out I could do it and actually was pretty good! When my training ended, I took over one evening swim shift and one Saturday swim shift. What a perfect job, I realized. My children were home with Dad and I did not have to worry about childcare, dinner, or bedtime. I loved my shifts and all the kids I taught. Three and half hours away from my family was perfect and the paycheck was just what we needed. Teaching was very rewarding and seeing the weekly progress of the students was so worth the time.

As my children got older, and entered school, I then had daytime hours available. I took on a morning shift and was asked to add more hours as a “deck supervisor”. Once again, I was unsure but thought about how this was perfect! My kids didn’t need me as much and my work did! Wow, it turned out to be a great match for all of us.

And, as we all know, our children keep growing and need “less” of our time but more “money for sports, dances, clothes and activities”. I was really enjoying my job and now had even more time to work. I felt like I was making a difference in children’s lives and also felt like I was helping other staff members become better teachers. It was a very good fit for my family and my career. Much to my surprise, I was asked to become a part time site director of the Half Moon Bay School. It was an honor and I was ready for the challenge. I had my family supporting me every step of the way and I realized I really liked the balance of teaching and managing.

My job here continues to grow. I am the sole site director now as well as the manager of our booking staff and have been working here for 14 years. Forty hours a week does not seem like a lot at this point. I look back on the journey and realize how many people I have worked with and how many families I have met and seen grow throughout the years. The staff here is awesome and each day brings new challenges and rewards. I feel very fortunate to work on the coast and still have time to be there for my high schoolers. Three of my own children are now employed with us and there are even more “La Petite Baleen” stories to share at home. Just last night we laughed at my daughter’s story about her “all white class”! (white ribbons that is!)

I urge any Mom or Dad out there, who loves children, loves the water and loves making a difference in a child’s life, to pick up an application. We offer an excellent training program and are here to support you along the way to becoming an excellent teacher. We also often have office hours available, if you are afraid to make the plunge in the pool. My hope is you will read this and reconsider that “part time job”. La Petite Baleen may be the Match for you. It has certainly been a great match for me!

Vacation

Well everyone, we are back from our vacation in Maui. My husband and I went with our 4 kids, my parents and my sister and her family for our annual family vacation. Last year it was Disneyland, this year Maui.

I am so glad we chose March to go! Let me list the reasons why:

It's whale time. Whales breaching and blowing everywhere. Babies and their mommies swimming together yards from our beach. Even the kids could see them.

Only a 2 hour time difference. In the winter, before daylight savings, our kids only have to adjust 2 hours as opposed to 3 hours during the summer. For those of us with kids, we know the value of that!

Nice break in the middle of winter. The day we left, it was pouring rain here. We arrived to a sunny sweet smelling island. Although it's winter in Maui too, we got by with a light fleece jacket in the mornings and evenings. Sometimes it's windy or could rain but we lucked out.

Flights are cheaper. We flew Hawaiian Airlines and flew out of Oakland. Our tickets were $200 cheaper than United (each ticket). Hawaiian Airlines boasts to be America's oldest and safest airline. But the clincher for me was that they still serve hot meals that are all natural and delicious! As a parent you know what that means on a flight with 4 kids.

Of course every time we go on vacation and the kids are swimming we get a lot of comments about what great swimmers they are. Our kids are walking advertisements. As we chat with other parents at the pool, we always meet people we know or have friends in common. This time, I noticed a little girl who swam just as good as my kids. She was probably 4. I marveled to the mom about her daughter's swim skills. Come to find out, she has swam at Silver Bear Swim School, in Reno, since she was 6 months old. My sister's best friend, Katie Hall, owns and operates that swim school. It was nice to pass on to our friend Katie she has great little swimmers coming out of her school too.

My 8 year old son even took an introductory scuba class in a pool! His instructor exclaimed, "Wow, he really knows how to kick well. He's very comfortable in the water." I just nodded and casually mentioned that we are swimmers:)

So parents, if it's financially possible to take a vacation in the middle of winter, your kids will thank you and put to use those swim skills they are learning. My kids were in the pool for hours, only getting out to eat. We came back home tanned and feeling like we had a true break!

Book reviews

I LOVE to read! And parenting is one of my passions as well as what my degree is in. I have a degree in Child Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. But besides the academic credentials, I've been married for 10 years this year and have 4 kids ages 1, 3, 6 and 8. I hope this qualifies me to lend my professional and experiential "opinion".

So, that being said, I will be doing some more book reviews and recommendations. So this week here it is.

Free Range Kids

by Lenore Skenazy

The author was labelled, "America's Worst Mom," by TV and news critics for letting her 9 year old son ride the subway in New York City alone with out even a cell phone! Only some change for a phone call if needed. They spent time studying subway maps, she judged her sons maturity and they live and ride the subway every day. Her son was fine and she goes on to write this book about the fear that is affecting parenting today.

Backed up with statistics, she defends herself and makes the case that today is safer than ever. We should let the kids play outside alone, ride their bikes to the store and even ride the subway alone. I have to say, reading this book was so refreshing, her NY humor is snarky, which makes me laugh. She makes fun of those parents that buy their kids crawling knee pads. Like God didn't make babies to rough up their knees on our hardwood floors.

What strikes me the most with the fear in most parents today is how unfounded it is. The statistics should be enough to make us feel better. I often find myself telling friends and moms at the park, "Well what were we doing at their age?" They usually pause and say, "Yah, your right." Even though their tone says they aren't buying it. Let's remember our kids need experiences and freedom to fall from trees.

For those of you who are finding it hard to let your kids ride their bikes around the block or play outside alone, I highly recommend this book!

Home School

Well I just signed my 2 older kids, age 8 and 6 up for a writing class and speech class at a homeschool co-op. It is amazing how mainstream homeschooling is now!

Currently I am homeschooling my daughter 6, in 1st grade and my son 8, in 3rd grade. While my son started out in public school, we felt like homeschooling would work best for our family. It is nice knowing there are so many options out there. Private, Public, Charter, Homeschool. You know what is best for your children and choose their schooling career on your research. It starts when they are still in pre-school. The worry and decision making of where they should go to school when they are 5.

I used to be one of those moms that said, "Oh, bless those moms who homeschool, I could NEVER do that!"

Of course God just loves it when I say "never" and my husband and I felt called to homeschool. Wanting to spend more time with them while they are so young was the biggest pull. We adore our children and love being with them. So this works for us since my husband has a flexible job and I work part time at LPB.

I spent a good 9 months researching learning styles, my teaching style and curriculum. Boy is there a lot of curriculum! Thanks to the internet, everything is at your fingertips. In California, you can homeschool in 3 ways: Through a Charter or Independent Study Program at a private or public school, such as Ocean grove Charter School (which LPB is a now a vendor), hiring a teacher or tudor, or filing a private school affidavit considering yourself a private school. The latter is the least restricted with regard to rules (you choose any curriculum, you're responsible for attendance records). But the ease of homeschooling through an ISP or Charter can be both much cheaper and organized for those looking for the structure of having an overseer helping you.

After joining a local homeschool group, my eyes were opened to the many activities planned. Anything from field trips, testing, co-ops, teachers nights out, clubs, curriculum classifieds, speakers and even school pictures. Last Friday we went ice-skating with our homeschool group.

I write this post about homeschooling because many people are curious and are considering homeschooling but don't know where to start. I am here for any advice or questions. I can also share with you what avenue we took to this point, what curriculum we use or just trick of the trade.

Whatever you decide to do with the schooling of your kids, make sure it is right in your heart. I went to both public and private schools and felt prepared for the real working world. But what goes on in the home, your parenting and marriage, are what influence your children the most! At least until they are teenagers...but I'm not there yet:) I would have loved to have been home schooled.