Breaking the Entitlement Cycle

I recently read this wonderful article in M: for the woman in every mom magazine here on the peninsula. I loved this article so much I called the author Jennifer Rhodes and asked her if I could post it on our blog. She and I had a wonderful chat and she gave me permission to post it here. I especially liked her reference to the 'self esteem' movement and how the repercussions of that style of parenting are morphing into the entitlement parenting and how these children are faring once in and out of college. Thank you Jennifer for a great article and for your insight as a professional that works with children and families.

Breaking the Entitlement Cycle

by Jennifer Rhodes, Psy.D.

Maggie comes home from school and says she needs a cell phone.

But she doesn't want just any cell phone-it has to be an iPhone 4.

After all, she's in fourth grade and all of her friends have one. Maggie

is relentless. She wants a phone. She needs a phone. Over the

course of a month, Maggie does not miss an opportunity to inform

her parents of how unfair they arc being by not giving her one.

Matthew is a second grader who is crazy about sports. He does

well, maybe even a bit better than other kids in his peer group, but

he struggles with sportsmanship and boasts that he is "clearly the

best." While sports come more easily than other things to Matthew,

he struggles when his coach pushes him to expand his skills. Rather

than seeing an opportunity, he gives up or blames others for the

failure. In Cub Scouts, when he doesn't win the pinewood derby,

he is devastated and yells, "It's not fair the track must be broken!"

Jenna is a college freshman. All through elementary, junior high

and high school, she got her schoolwork done on time, participated

in multiple sports and extracurricular activities. But away

from home, she can't handle the stress of having to choose her own

classes, make her own schedule and structure her own time. Her

parents or her counselors had always given her deadlines, helped

her choose her activities, and followed through to make sure things

in her life were done. Now in college, she is anxious and stressed

out because the pressure is too much for her to handle on her own,

and for the first time in her life, her grades begin to slip.

As parents, we hear a lot about entitlement. Here in Silicon Valley,

where the accumulation of wealth or the perceived accumulation of

wealth surrounds us, it feels especially noticeable. While the notion

of entitlement is often thought to be related to wealth, it is actually

an attitude and a way to perceive oneself ("I expect to receive ... ")

and can be influenced by how we parent, with or without great

amounts of money. Entitlement is not simply buying a child too

many things. It is a process of parenting that promotes giving children

too much, too soon or doing things for children that they can

do for themselves. The consequences are often that children experience

a false sense of self-esteem, an expectation of life being "easy"

and/or an insatiable need to be validated by others. The danger is

that these children can fall apart later in life when they realize that

they may not be as fabulous-smart-talented as they have been told

all their lives.

Entitled parenting interrupts a child's normal development

including learning the skills to help cope with disappointment

and developing the ability to accurately assess one's own strengths

and weaknesses. Kids who do not develop these skills later have

difficulty understanding how to cope with everyday srtessors and

using their knowledge to make healthy personal decisions. Entitled

children often have difficulty learning that all people have weaknesses

and no one is perfect.

Entitled parenting has been greatly influenced by the self-esteem

movement over the past 20 years. This movement sought to use a

strength-based approach to promote the healthy development of

children. But it has largely been misinterpreted by well-meaning

professionals and parents. Kids no longer keep score while playing

tee-ball for fear that the competition is harmful. Every child

in a classroom now receives a gold star whether they earned the

star or not out of fear that someone's feelings may be hurt. The

consequence of the idea that everyone is equal regardless of his

individual achievements is that our culture has started to interfere

with a child's natural and evolving understanding of his abilities

and strengths. Without this skill, children do not develop adequate

coping skills that may help them later in life.

Providing children with material possessions, even with the good

intention of trying to make them feel better, fuels the sense of

entitlement and does little to help their self-esteem. Giving in to

a child's desire to be like everyone else and have the same things

as his friends may seem like a good idea, especially to protect him

from being the only one who doesn't have something. But it actually

can teach a child that working for something or earning something

is not necessary to getting what he wants. That can become

dangerous when it comes time to be an adult and the hand-outs

from employers do not exist

Trying to raise a child in Silicon Valley can be tough-not only

because of the academic pressures and the current economy, but

because of the wide diversity of social pressures as well. Even if

you feel that you are doing your best to ground your child with

the understanding that certain privileges should be earned, how do

you help your child cope with the peer pressure that other entitled

children and their families promulgate?

1. Work on your relationship with your child. Provide age appropriate

structure, limits and boundaries. When your child

is young, work on building a solid foundation of trust and

responsiveness in order to help your child cope with stress and

disappointment. For school-age children, work on increasing

impulse control and a sense of responsibility. For teenagers,

promote age-appropriate money management skills and

encouraging them to volunteer or take on other work-related

activities. These strategies will help you develop a better

ability to understand your child and lead to a happier and

healthier relationship, which is the foundation for a healthy

and successful child.

Matthew's parents, for example, could help him build a true sense

of himself by praising him for participating in the sport and his

sportsmanship, not just for winning. They could talk about other

ways to help out and to work as a team member, such as with setup,

clean-up or uniforms, so that he can see that being involved

as part of a team is not only about winning or losing-it is about

responsibility to other peers as well.

2. Promote age-appropriate autonomy by avoiding doing too

many things that your child may be able to do for himself. For

example, over-scheduling your child for after-school activities

will not teach your child how to manage his time. Instead,

weigh the pros and cons of different activities or determine

which activities he likes best. For example, if your 8-yearold

is engaged in too many after-school activities without

any thought or input (because you have made the choice), it

becomes more difficult in high school for him to prioritize

activities and make appropriate scheduling choices.

Jenna could have benefitted from her parents allowing her to make

some choices about classes and activities while in junior high and

high school so that her transition to college would not have been so

fraught with anxiety. Choices teach valuable skills in decision making,

prioritization and coping with frustration.

3. Understand that your child's questions, concerns or demands

about how he differs from his peers in terms of dress or

other material things is not only a typical part of your child's

development; it is an opening for a more important conversation:

What are your family values? How are these values the

same or different from other families? How did you earn the

nice things in your home? How do you define success? Maggie's

parents could tell her that her family believes children don't

need a smart phone of their own until 8th grade. It is their

family rule. When she keeps asking for one, they have a firm

answer that promotes their values and teaches Maggie that

privileges increase as children are able to handle more responsibility

By having an open conversation with your child about the differences

he notices and what your rules and boundaries are, you will

not only prepare your child to cope with entitled children and

families, bur will also promote his success in the world by building

his social competence. If successful, your child will easily transition

to college while the entitled children will be struggling to come to

terms with the meaning of hard work, dedication, and reward.

Dr. Rhodes is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Menlo Park and San Francisco. She specializes in working with issues related to divorce, entitlement and relationships between parents and their children. Dr. Rhodes also maintains a psychotherapy and assessment practice for children and adolescents. She can be reached at 415.509.5616 or at drjenniferrhodes@gmail.com.

Let's get creative!

I'm usually a very structured teacher when I am teaching my swim lessons. My kids know what to expect, and for the most part, I follow the same lesson plan with slight variations. Of course I am always pushing my swimmers to their limits and have an eye for fine tuning. I can be fairly picky about how and when I give out ribbons. For example, their side breathing on freestyle or "big arms" needs to include rotation of their body on the long axis. Or for upfaces, I need their breath to be close to perfect and for them to have the confidence that comes with the blue ribbon.

So while most kids thrive in my structured environment, it's nice to break out of that mold once in a while. Sometimes I have surprised my students and told them to go walk to the slide to start off the class (in our Half Moon Bay pool). "We are doing a backwards class!" I tell them. Their eyes get really big and they kind of stand there staring at me. "Has she lost her mind, where's my teacher Liesl?" Hehe. I love throwing them for a loop and mixing it up a bit. We have so much fun.
During my swim shift on Tuesday morning, I have a gold ribbon class full of home schooled 10 year olds. I have to give credit to my swimmer Jonathan for his silliness. It's because of his playful distractions that I got my most recent creative ideas. So here's what went down. During our class, floaties often come into our lane, pushed in by the Toddler class next to us. Jonathan is very playful and picked up 3 of the floaties and put them on his arms. "Take off the floaties, it's time for underwater sw....... Hmmm, never mind. You want to see what it's like to do an underwater swim with the floaties on?" We often swim with the racing fins so we ended up doing their underwater swims with floaties! They made it 38 feet with those floaties on and got a great lesson on buoyancy and effort:)

Now that I had shifted into creative mode, I started thinking about some fun things my coach used to do with our training during college. Rick Demont was always cutting edge, thinking of creative and new ways to stay on top of the game while keeping us focused and motivated. One of my favorite drills was what we called Partner Pull. This is done with 2 swimmers, one being the arms while the other is the feet. The rear person holds one foot and provides the propulsion from behind while the front person pulls the water with their stroke . We had a lot fun, especially coming into walls and doing flip turns while staying connected. Needless to say, we got quiet good at it and if they had a Partner Pull Olympics, my partner Shannon and I would be Gold Medal champions.

So I had the kids do some partner pull in class (remember they are already Gold ribbon swimmers), and it was a hit. It helped me see who is strong or weak in pulling or kicking. The best part of partner pull is the push off the wall and the finish into the wall. Each partner can provide either fast momentum or a fast pul in with their legs.

After this, I thought of when Rick Demont would help us get better at our racing dives. He would put a bungee cord around our waist and stand behind us, pull back slightly so we had to resist forward. Then we would launch off with lots of effort working against the pull of the bungee. Afterwards, he would take the bungee off, and we would do a racing dive and we would shoot off that block like a bullet out of a gun. I thought of how I could apply this to my students but didn't have a bungee band. So I improvised with the rope from the lifesaver hanging up on the wall. I put it around the kids waist kind of like reigns on a horse and slightly pulled back. When I sent them off on their dive, I had to let go completely but they got the idea of resisting forward against the pull back of the rope. By now class was over but we were having so much fun!

It's nice for me to break out of my mold and structure and 'go with the flow'. I am even applying this to my everyday life. And thank you Jonathan for your inspiration!

Book Review, Raising Resilient Children

Raising resilient children sure sounds great. In fact the preface to this book defines the resilient mindset as the ability to cope with and overcome adversity. This of course should be an essential component in all children. However this book simply echoe'd to me the theme of the 80's and the "self esteem" movement.

When I think of children who need to be resilient, I think of children growing up without food and water, with abuse or in Europe during WWII. These would be extreme examples of course but this is my starting off point. Here in America, we have food, running water and medical care. However many kids are abused, neglected, struggling through their parents divorce or simply struggling with growing up. While reading this book it was clear that the author's "large volume of research" consisted of their own clinical and private practice. They were not talking about children in Juvenile Hall but everyday children dealing with everyday social, school and family issues.

At first glance this book might sound great. I want my child to be resilient and to be able to overcome adversity. But with further reading, it does not address how to truly raise a child who can overcome "adversity". It sounded to me like how to raise a child who will expect a softened world and everything will be catered to him. A kind of how to avoid adversity in a sense. I got the sense of hand holding being promoted here.

Let's go back to the 80's mantra of beefing up every child's 'self esteem'. This backfired and contributed to a generation of children who couldn't do anything on their own, cope and have been labelled "entitled". Key points in Raising Resilient Children include: Being empathetic, Communicating effectively, listening actively, accepting your children, help them experience success, and disciplining to promote self worth.

I'm going to be bold enough to say while these sound great, they are impractical. How are these points going to help my child deal with job loss as an adult or even job evaluation? How are these points going to help my children deal with difficult people if they have always been raised with a soft hand and too much encouragement ? My husband and I are raising our 5 children to serve others, giving up their own wants for the happiness of others. We train them to obey us first and understand later. Which of these will help them get and hold down a job or serve their spouses in marriage? Does giving up your wants and learning to serve others help you to be resilient? I believe so. Being unselfish and not expecting every option in life to be a choice will certainly teach a child how to deal with adversity more than always expecting positive feel good outcomes.

The authors are anti-spanking, anti time out and pro logical consequences. This makes me conclude the advice in this book is directed to parents of school age children up through high school. Of course you can't spank older children yet you can't use logical consequences for toddlers. It is confusing to follow the advice these two psychiatrists put forth. I found myself wondering if these two men have children of their own and just how 'resilient' they turned out to be.

So to my readers, I would suggest reading a parenting book a little saltier than this one. Perhaps something by John Rosemond. he is one of my favorites!

Race to Nowhere

Race to Nowhere

by Irene Madrid

I recently attended a documentary film sponsored by the Burlingame Mother’s Club.

A bay area mother of three created this film because, as her children progressed in school, the homework, organized sports, and community activities took over their lives.

She noticed that family dinners were becoming rare and most interactions were related to questions about homework when the kids were home.

The children developed headaches, stomach pains and were often sleep deprived. Most horrifying of all, a beautiful 13 year old neighbor girl had committed suicide. Her parents said she showed no signs of problems. Her life was filled with piano and violin lessons, and much homework. She was always “doing”.

Many high school students were interviewed and it was evident these super achieving kids were highly stressed. They were plugged in for success but childhood happiness was severely lacking.

The admissions director of Cal-Berkeley noted that these high achievers were often in need of remedial English and Math. Kids studied to the test and quickly forgot what the information was all about.

One high school teacher pointed out that many European test scores were higher than ours but did less homework. Often teachers, filled with the joy of teaching, gave up after several years because they were simply teaching to the test.

Creative thinking and problem solving have no place in such a goal oriented system. Children don’t appreciate the joy of learning. Education becomes a product.

The difficulty of a materialistic culture is a daunting challenge. It will take time for parents and educators to make healthier changes. One solution is to limit homework to one or two days a week, and no homework on weekends or holidays. Another is to insist extra curricular activities be limited and work around the family dinner hour.

It will be a concrete effort but much more balanced for health and happiness in our children. As parents, keep vigilant about after school demands and join with others to save our children’s childhoods.

Kicking and Screaming

Hello, my name is Teacher Shannon and I have been working at our Half Moon Bay location for almost 15 years now, observing and swimming with many children. I have enjoyed every second of it and love to watch how children evolve over time in their experiences at our school. One of my favorite things to do is to help a fearful child learn to love the water. In doing this, there is always that fine line of knowing how much to push and when to hold them and give them that loving hug. I learned from Irene that children are a "different kid" each day as they are growing and navigating through their childhood. With this, I have also learned that parents do know their kid best.

My husband and I have one daughter, Ellie, who will be 13 years old at the end of this month. Ellie has been involved in after school sports and has been out of the pool for almost a year. We had a deal that once basketball season ended, she would head back to the pool and join the swim team again. Well...as Irene says, "They are a different kid each day", and I learned that it still applies to 12 year olds. When the day came for Ellie to head back to the outdoor pool in the middle of January (I am not that mean, the pool is heated), she was a different kid! She did not want to go and had every excuse in the book.

I asked the people in my life that love to swim for their opinions. I got all sorts of answers from "Don't push her" to "Make her do it"! I had to sit and think about my next step...Do I make her do it because as a teacher and a mom, I know all the health benefits of swimming? I know that the year she swam year-round she never caught pneumonia, which was usually a yearly illness of her's, (Ellie was born premature and her pediatrician has always recommended swimming to strengthen her lungs).

Well, I had to sit and take my own advice, "You know her best". Anytime Ellie wants to start something new, she can be slow to warm up or have fears until she actually does it. As a parent, knowing where that fine line is from pushing too hard and challenging your children to do things that they are not wanting to do, can be hard to see. I had flashes of my husband and I "making" her go down the water slide, kicking and screaming, only to have her come up with a huge smile asking to do it again. Or the time we "made" her get on Tower of Terror in Disneyland, scared out of her whits, and afterward we had to ride it six times in a row, she loved it so much!

So, as you can guess, although Ellie didn't want to go to swim team practice, the girl that got out of the car not wanting to go, was the happy kid swimming a beautiful freestyle ten minutes later. I know my child...but she can be a different kid every day .

Coldest winter ever spent

Mark Twain once quoted: "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." And I can certainly understand where he was coming from. A native coastal California girl, I grew up here in Half Moon Bay. Familiar with the famous San Francisco summer chill and fog. I can almost predict what time of day the sun will "appear" and the fog will roll out and when it will return. Boy has this summer been a cool one. Parents I know all over the peninsula are on the search for some heat and sun. Even the usual hot spots like Redwood City and Palo Alto have had some cool days this summer.

Many families are taking off into the mountains. So many of my friends have had lovely vacations in Tahoe and all over the Sierras. We spent a week at Mount Hermon Family Camp in the hills above Santa Cruz and while the sun would come out, I was glad to have brought our fleece jackets. I'm from Half Moon Bay, we don't go anywhere without our fleece jackets:)

So while this summer comes to a close (many schools are starting next week), I am looking forward to our famously beautiful fall weather here on the peninsula. While the smell of the cold foggy air is so refreshing, the sunny crisp fall air is something to look forward to.

I'm going to close this blog with this article that I thought was interesting. I don'y have teenagers yet but enjoy learning and looking forward to the challenge of parenting teens. I hear it's tougher than when they are little. Phew, I'm gearing up for a shift in

Liesl

Last entry I mentioned the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While this book has been a tremendous blessing in my marriage and relationships, it has also helped my understanding of my children. Gary Chapman has also written a book The Five Love Languages of Children to compliment and extend his love language message. There are 5 “Love Languages” that people fit with. These are; Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Gifts. I strongly recommend reading the original book to fully understand what these mean and learn which love language speaks to you clearest but also to learn your spouse’s love language and begin speaking it!

My husband and I frequently discuss our love language with each other, make it clear if our needs are being met and how we can improve. A few times a week we ask how our “love tank” is doing and what we can do to fill it up for one another. It sometimes is hard work! For example, my husband’s top 2 love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Words of Affirmation don’t come easily to me. It is not always what I am saying but how I am saying it that is not meeting his needs. So I am working on my tone and delivery when talking to him so that he feels loved. The second, Physical Touch, does not just apply to sex but to being near, cuddling, hugs, frequent caresses throughout the day, etc. He physically needs the connection. I am learning to slow down and give him my time. I tend to wake up and hit the ground running, whizzing by him all morning. He needs me to stop, hug and put my head on his shoulder for a few moments. For me, my two top love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I just want to be with the people I love, spending time with them makes me feel loved. And when my husband unloads the dishwasher and puts the laundry away! Phew, my love tank is full:)

When looking at and applying the love languages to our children, it’s a little trickier. While it is important to speak all 5 of the love languages to the ones we love, we tend to speak our own love language to them first. I am busy cleaning the house and doing things to help my husband. I’m thinking I am expressing love to him when he would prefer me to just sit and hug him. So knowing and keeping an eye on which love language we speak, can help clue us in on what love language our kids speak. It also gets easier as they get older. My 3 year old I haven’t quite figured out but my older 7 and 9 year olds I think I have an idea. A little detective work goes into finding our child’s primary love language. For example, my daughter is always asking us to tickle her, eat her, rough house with her. She loves nothing more than a massage with oil and everything! Hers might be physical touch. My son is always in out face wanting to be involved with everything. His is Quality time. Funny how they adopt some of their parents love languages. Could it be genetic?

Finding out your child’s primary love language will take time, even years. Kids are hard to read and they will soak up all of the love languages. This book gives you tools to help you discover which love language is your child’s. Knowing how to speak love to your spouse, friends and children is like an open door to their heart. I want my kids to know more than anything that I love them. I want them to feel it every day. But what tells my oldest I love him might not work with my youngest. I am a sleuth, figuring out how to speak different love languages to those I love. These books have been a blessing in my marriage and also with my children. I highly recommend reading them both!