Race to Nowhere

Race to Nowhere

by Irene Madrid

I recently attended a documentary film sponsored by the Burlingame Mother’s Club.

A bay area mother of three created this film because, as her children progressed in school, the homework, organized sports, and community activities took over their lives.

She noticed that family dinners were becoming rare and most interactions were related to questions about homework when the kids were home.

The children developed headaches, stomach pains and were often sleep deprived. Most horrifying of all, a beautiful 13 year old neighbor girl had committed suicide. Her parents said she showed no signs of problems. Her life was filled with piano and violin lessons, and much homework. She was always “doing”.

Many high school students were interviewed and it was evident these super achieving kids were highly stressed. They were plugged in for success but childhood happiness was severely lacking.

The admissions director of Cal-Berkeley noted that these high achievers were often in need of remedial English and Math. Kids studied to the test and quickly forgot what the information was all about.

One high school teacher pointed out that many European test scores were higher than ours but did less homework. Often teachers, filled with the joy of teaching, gave up after several years because they were simply teaching to the test.

Creative thinking and problem solving have no place in such a goal oriented system. Children don’t appreciate the joy of learning. Education becomes a product.

The difficulty of a materialistic culture is a daunting challenge. It will take time for parents and educators to make healthier changes. One solution is to limit homework to one or two days a week, and no homework on weekends or holidays. Another is to insist extra curricular activities be limited and work around the family dinner hour.

It will be a concrete effort but much more balanced for health and happiness in our children. As parents, keep vigilant about after school demands and join with others to save our children’s childhoods.

Kicking and Screaming

Hello, my name is Teacher Shannon and I have been working at our Half Moon Bay location for almost 15 years now, observing and swimming with many children. I have enjoyed every second of it and love to watch how children evolve over time in their experiences at our school. One of my favorite things to do is to help a fearful child learn to love the water. In doing this, there is always that fine line of knowing how much to push and when to hold them and give them that loving hug. I learned from Irene that children are a "different kid" each day as they are growing and navigating through their childhood. With this, I have also learned that parents do know their kid best.

My husband and I have one daughter, Ellie, who will be 13 years old at the end of this month. Ellie has been involved in after school sports and has been out of the pool for almost a year. We had a deal that once basketball season ended, she would head back to the pool and join the swim team again. Well...as Irene says, "They are a different kid each day", and I learned that it still applies to 12 year olds. When the day came for Ellie to head back to the outdoor pool in the middle of January (I am not that mean, the pool is heated), she was a different kid! She did not want to go and had every excuse in the book.

I asked the people in my life that love to swim for their opinions. I got all sorts of answers from "Don't push her" to "Make her do it"! I had to sit and think about my next step...Do I make her do it because as a teacher and a mom, I know all the health benefits of swimming? I know that the year she swam year-round she never caught pneumonia, which was usually a yearly illness of her's, (Ellie was born premature and her pediatrician has always recommended swimming to strengthen her lungs).

Well, I had to sit and take my own advice, "You know her best". Anytime Ellie wants to start something new, she can be slow to warm up or have fears until she actually does it. As a parent, knowing where that fine line is from pushing too hard and challenging your children to do things that they are not wanting to do, can be hard to see. I had flashes of my husband and I "making" her go down the water slide, kicking and screaming, only to have her come up with a huge smile asking to do it again. Or the time we "made" her get on Tower of Terror in Disneyland, scared out of her whits, and afterward we had to ride it six times in a row, she loved it so much!

So, as you can guess, although Ellie didn't want to go to swim team practice, the girl that got out of the car not wanting to go, was the happy kid swimming a beautiful freestyle ten minutes later. I know my child...but she can be a different kid every day .

Coldest winter ever spent

Mark Twain once quoted: "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." And I can certainly understand where he was coming from. A native coastal California girl, I grew up here in Half Moon Bay. Familiar with the famous San Francisco summer chill and fog. I can almost predict what time of day the sun will "appear" and the fog will roll out and when it will return. Boy has this summer been a cool one. Parents I know all over the peninsula are on the search for some heat and sun. Even the usual hot spots like Redwood City and Palo Alto have had some cool days this summer.

Many families are taking off into the mountains. So many of my friends have had lovely vacations in Tahoe and all over the Sierras. We spent a week at Mount Hermon Family Camp in the hills above Santa Cruz and while the sun would come out, I was glad to have brought our fleece jackets. I'm from Half Moon Bay, we don't go anywhere without our fleece jackets:)

So while this summer comes to a close (many schools are starting next week), I am looking forward to our famously beautiful fall weather here on the peninsula. While the smell of the cold foggy air is so refreshing, the sunny crisp fall air is something to look forward to.

I'm going to close this blog with this article that I thought was interesting. I don'y have teenagers yet but enjoy learning and looking forward to the challenge of parenting teens. I hear it's tougher than when they are little. Phew, I'm gearing up for a shift in

Liesl

Last entry I mentioned the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While this book has been a tremendous blessing in my marriage and relationships, it has also helped my understanding of my children. Gary Chapman has also written a book The Five Love Languages of Children to compliment and extend his love language message. There are 5 “Love Languages” that people fit with. These are; Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Gifts. I strongly recommend reading the original book to fully understand what these mean and learn which love language speaks to you clearest but also to learn your spouse’s love language and begin speaking it!

My husband and I frequently discuss our love language with each other, make it clear if our needs are being met and how we can improve. A few times a week we ask how our “love tank” is doing and what we can do to fill it up for one another. It sometimes is hard work! For example, my husband’s top 2 love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Words of Affirmation don’t come easily to me. It is not always what I am saying but how I am saying it that is not meeting his needs. So I am working on my tone and delivery when talking to him so that he feels loved. The second, Physical Touch, does not just apply to sex but to being near, cuddling, hugs, frequent caresses throughout the day, etc. He physically needs the connection. I am learning to slow down and give him my time. I tend to wake up and hit the ground running, whizzing by him all morning. He needs me to stop, hug and put my head on his shoulder for a few moments. For me, my two top love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I just want to be with the people I love, spending time with them makes me feel loved. And when my husband unloads the dishwasher and puts the laundry away! Phew, my love tank is full:)

When looking at and applying the love languages to our children, it’s a little trickier. While it is important to speak all 5 of the love languages to the ones we love, we tend to speak our own love language to them first. I am busy cleaning the house and doing things to help my husband. I’m thinking I am expressing love to him when he would prefer me to just sit and hug him. So knowing and keeping an eye on which love language we speak, can help clue us in on what love language our kids speak. It also gets easier as they get older. My 3 year old I haven’t quite figured out but my older 7 and 9 year olds I think I have an idea. A little detective work goes into finding our child’s primary love language. For example, my daughter is always asking us to tickle her, eat her, rough house with her. She loves nothing more than a massage with oil and everything! Hers might be physical touch. My son is always in out face wanting to be involved with everything. His is Quality time. Funny how they adopt some of their parents love languages. Could it be genetic?

Finding out your child’s primary love language will take time, even years. Kids are hard to read and they will soak up all of the love languages. This book gives you tools to help you discover which love language is your child’s. Knowing how to speak love to your spouse, friends and children is like an open door to their heart. I want my kids to know more than anything that I love them. I want them to feel it every day. But what tells my oldest I love him might not work with my youngest. I am a sleuth, figuring out how to speak different love languages to those I love. These books have been a blessing in my marriage and also with my children. I highly recommend reading them both!

Marriage Advice to a New Bride

Marriage Advice

This weekend I went to a girlfriend's bridal shower. Her mother was asking around the room for advice to give to her for her marriage. Some of the advice the women said were, “Do what makes you happy” and “Do what feels right”. All the women nodded except me. I didn’t agree. So I told the bride I would e-mail her my “advice” since what I wanted to say didn’t seem like it would be very popular.

To preface, I have only been married for 10 years this year. But my husband and I are more in love and feel so much closer each year. So here is the letter I sent to her:

HI K,

This is for both you and R, so feel free to share with him. My advice is actually the opposite of what 2 of the people at your shower said (doing what makes you happy). I also want you to know that Ugur and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage this year and we are more in love and closer than we can imagine plus a 5th baby on the way. Our marriage also centers around our faith. I can't see how marriage can be fulfilling and successful without Christ at the center.

Marriage is NOT about doing what "feels" right or what makes you happy. No where does life promise you that. Marriage is about being un-selfish! Serving each other expecting nothing in return. There will be times, seasons or even years where one of you might be pulling more weight, doing more, feeling run down. You cannot be thinking about "what makes YOU happy" in times like this. You must serve out of love.

Find your husband's "love language", read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This can help A LOT in what makes your spouse feel loved. For example, my top 2 love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. Ugur's are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Highly recommend the book!

Most men need more sex than women:) Sometimes it's an act of service to "just do it" when you are tired, etc. This might apply more as you guys get older and have kids, etc. But sometimes it's like going to the gym, you don't feel like going, you know it's good for you and you always feel better afterwards:) I know this might not make sense in your 20's and as a newlywed. Sex is important for men, I try to be "available" when I know he's been making little lovemaking comments to me or noticing my body. I think to myself, " I need to make sure I am rested and make a time to have a make out session in the next 24 hours". So yes, scheduling it in works too.

Marriage is growing, changing and learning about each other. How you communicate is very important and it might change through the years. Try not to bring up the past, families of origin (although they affect our communication style) when arguing.

Be humble and make positive assumptions.

Phew, that's all for now. You 2 should read this together and digest it:) Enjoy that Atlas. i got one for my wedding and it was one of my favorite gifts.

Love

Liesl

I was first going to blog about the book The 5 Love Languages but then decided to also share this letter too. I also want women reading this to know my advice is simply mine and comes from a loving marriage. My advice does not apply in unhealthy or abusive relationships. The bride is also someone I am very close with and can share intimate details and advice. Of course now I’m sharing it all with you!

Remember, your marriage is the BEST gift you can give your children.

Summer Fun and Field trips

Last Friday my family went on a fun field trip to Roaring Camp Railroad in Fenton, up in the hills of Santa Cruz. We go at least once a year and take the steam train up one of the steepest grades a train can go up.

The steam train, named Dixiana, was built the same year as the Titanic. I love hearing the history of the forest and how it became protected, the logging industry, train trivia, and about different adventures back in the "olden days". My kids however are just in awe of the LOUD whistle. While we go up into the redwood trees, the air cools off, the fresh smell of mountain air wafts through your nose. It is so lovely.

As summer is getting closer, my family and I plan lots of outings and field trips to keep us busy and tire out the kids. Here's a list and short re-cap of some of the summer things we like to do:

Gilroy Gardens (formerly Bonfante Gardens) is like a mini Disneyland. Rides for small children, ride on cars that are amazing, California produce themed rides. This park is very clean, nice bathrooms. There is a water play area for kids to run around but remember water shoes, they are required.

Happy Hollow in San Jose. Recently updated, this park is designed for kids under age 8. The rides are for smaller kids. There is also a nice little zoo. This is a fun favorite.

Fairyland in Oakland For you East Bay parents, you might have pictures of your own parents here. My mom went here when she was little. A little Old School but fun non the less.

Phipps Ranch in Pescadero for Berry picking. 30 minutes south of Half moon Bay, pick your own ollaliberries, strawberries, raspberries. They have a small farm with animals and flowers. Picnic table to eat lunch.

Rin Canada Pool in Palo Alto. City run, cheap to get in. Warm, bring your own food, large flower shaped kiddie pool. A favorite of Coastside moms who want to get in the sun during the summer.

Beach. We prefer Roosevelt beach here in HMB. It's safer for the kids. Neighborhood parking. Must be warm out though and bring baby powder to apply on the kids so the sand runs off before getting back into your car. Chrissy Field beach in SF is also a great kid appropriate beach.

Golden Gate Park, Japanese Tea Garden. More outside fun plus add in history!

Of course these are only a few of the outings we go on during the summer. There are lots more. All you blog readers out there, please share some of your favorite summer outings!

This weeks book review is so powerful and informative! Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D. was such an eye opening book. It felt like I was waking up in the morning with a fresh bucket of water thrown in my face. The information that is given to us is so important. I feel like handing this book out to all parents of boys and telling them it’s required reading.

Dr Sax, himself a father of 1 girl, has devoted his life to helping boys beat the ADHD stigma and growth and maturation difficulties that face our sons today. He touches in his book, in deep detail, his clinical experience with how culture, society, parenting, schooling and even environmental factors are weighing heavily and affecting our boys.

He discusses:

Teaching methods and how our schools today are geared towards girls who can sit and do workbooks. Our schools fail so many boys with the emphasis on testing and grades. He finds boys often need camaraderie and competition. Completely taken out of schools today, games where there is a loser or which honors the physically strong. But also even in the classroom, making scholarly competition healthy. He says some boys, who otherwise would be labelled and diagnosed ADHD and medicated, simply can thrive by being put in an all boys Elementary School. These schools can focus on boys needs and learning curves better than co-ed. He goes on to touch on the detrimental affects of prescription drugs that are often diagnosed to boys who are simply being boys.

The detriment video games and chronicles how they really do fry your brain. But more importantly they are affecting a boy or a young man’s connection to reality. The reality of working, supporting a family, what really is success, etc. This break with reality is rolling over in to generation Y. A whole chapter is devoted to talking about young men who still live at home and don’t work, living off their parents. The typical “failure to launch” story. That chapter really made me sick because I see it so much today.

Environmental toxins are discussed as a possibility to why men today are being feminized physically. While not the only factor, he points out and makes some connections to how a males genes are easier to mutate. He makes a good case for keeping plastics with bisphenol A and phthalates out of your family’s diet. Although mainstream stores now carry most bottles, pacifiers, water bottles without BHA now, it’s still important to see the reasoning behind this shift. He talks about changes in puberty levels, boys fragility, obesity, birth defects and sexual androgyny.

Although I am consolidating the information here, I say this book is required reading for all parents of boys. I think dads especially can benefit from reading this book. It teaches you to take a step back and look at how your life, society and culture are affecting your son. But it also lets you know you can do something about it. For example your schooling options or video game decisions. I only wish society would value and support masculinity in it’s traditional sense. This books makes a good case to why we need to get that back for our boys!